Transitioning

Lately transitioning has not been so great. I feel like I have hit a dead end. I just got my name changed, and yes I've been waiting for that forever but it isn't helping with the dysphoria aspect of my transition so much. I want to move on, I want to be completely male. My body should match my mind. Everyday when I take my binder off, or I jump in the shower I am reminded of how my body is really female. In my head I'm completely male, when I walk around the hallways at school, or on the streets, I am male. I am male when I am sleeping. I am male while I'm eating dinner. I'm male on stage. I am male everywhere. I'm male. My body just isn't male, and when the time comes for a shower, or when I must take off my binder, or change clothes, I realize it, and it scares the shit out of me.

So I'm not quite sure what all my options are at this point. But I do no that if I am 100% ready to go on testosterone I can do it, I got mom's support on that one. I've been thinking about it for months, but the whole idea of possibly not being able to sing again scares me a little bit. Sometimes I'm totally for it, and I go all day thinking "I'm gonna be on T in August", and then I play that nights' gig, and someone comes up to me and says something like "You have an amazing voice" and it sets me back. It makes me think, oh shit, do I really want to risk that? What if no one ever says that to me again? Is it worth it? Can I survive my life without going on T?

I was thinking about asking my Mom if I could get top surgery. My original plan was to ask her this December. I told myself around filming Larry King last year (August) that if I think every single day for over a year that I can get top surgery at any moment of the day without ever second guessing myself I would ask her. Well, there hasn't been a day of second guessing. I'm more then ready to do it. I think I'm going to ask her soon... very soon. Perhaps next week. Last night I was itching to ask her. I had asked my gender therapist when I was able to get Top Surgery. NYS law requires transgender people to go to therapy, dressing in their gender for an entire year. I've been going since late June. I'm almost there. Maybe I can get my surgery before school starts. Life would suddenly become so much easier. No more binding, I can play shows without having to worry about not binding, or breathing. I can change for gym so much faster. Not have to worry about my ribs getting messed up. No more back pain or rib pain. None of that. I can go to the beach, I would finally have the guts to go in my cousins swimming pool. I could wear tighter shirts. Hell, I could play on stage with an open vest. That's hot. I want that. More than anything I need to transition soon. I gotta start now.